It's been 4 days.
I have not wanted to write anything because then it has become "final". But my desire to write (or not write) does not actually change the outcome or the reality of the situation. It only causes more pain in my own heart as I wrestle with this new reality.
Stephanie has died.
Those three words just caused my heart to break afresh and tears flow down my face. It just can't be real?! I find myself whispering again and again.
But the harsh reality is that it is real. Painful. Heartbreaking. Lonely. Broken.
Stephanie died on Good Friday.
When someone dies that you are close to, thoughts of life after death slam straight into you. Because now you have personally been affected by death. There will be a void where that person once was. There will be empty chairs, an empty office, a silence where there once was laughter. This won't change, because no one will ever take the place of that special person. So there will be many times in the future where I know my heart will weep anew as I come across something of which Stephanie was once a part.
As a teacher...
Seeking guidance in her office. Running ideas and questions by her because she was calm and wise. Ranting to her as she helped to "talk me off a cliff" (more than once) regarding classroom stuff. Sharing Soup Monday with her and the other teachers. Just sitting in her office during some down time to chat and laugh (or eat chocolate from the basket in her office).
But also as a friend...
Curled up on her couch watching old Doris Day movies with her. Playing games after dinner with her family (and always trying to embarrass JT). Asking advice on life decisions. Sitting by the Christmas tree listening to Christmas music. Running up the stairs and into her arms sobbing when I found out my best friend's mother had unexpectedly passed away. Seeing her love for all things Disney (and also minions). Smiling at the students' confusion when she "wore her hair down" (maybe once a year). Watching her take her closer down so she can look closer at something. Listening in on a call back to her family and laughing at how some things in our two families are the same (like burning things or shooting things when the family gathers). Enjoying taco sandwiches or sloppy-joes - or best of all, her cinnamon rolls! Sitting beside her watching Haley play basketball. Sitting with her family at church during Christmas time. Having late night conversations when I would crash in their guest room.
"as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing..." (Eph 6:10a) - I have watched some other dear friends walk through loss in the past four years, and this verse has cropped up multiple times. There is no negating sorrow and pain in death. Our world is broken and full of heartache because of sin entering the world long ago. Death is painful - because we were not meant to die. We were meant to live forever in the presence of our Creator God. But when humanity became corrupted by sin, that perfect part of creation was broken. And now, death stains every part of our life on earth. That's why it hurts so much. Because it isn't how we were made to be. But God had a plan of redemption, and He didn't leave us broken without hope. Jesus came. Jesus took all the punishment that we deserved, bearing it and all God's wrath for 3 days. And then, God said, "That is enough. You have paid the price. It is finished and My wrath has been satisfied." (My paraphrase, that is not written in the Bible) And Jesus, being God, raised Himself to life again.
In His resurrection, we have hope!
That is why I can keep going right now. Not because Stephanie's death doesn't hurt me (because it definitely does hurt). But instead because I know my Redeemer lives and that Stephanie is in His presence - whole, rejoicing, singing praises to the King of Kings. And also, because I know that the same Jehovah she is praising that is seated on the throne of Heaven is also the same Jehovah Shammah - God who is there - that is with me, and with her family right now. The same God who allowed His perfect Son to take my place (and your place) on the cross - bearing my sin and my shame because He loves me. That God is walking through this sorrow with us.
In 1 Corinthians 15:26 it says, "The last enemy to be destroyed is death."
And then verse 54b-58 says, "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? The sing of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
Death did not beat Jesus. And in Jesus, we will have victory over eternal death and separation from God. Yes, our bodies will die, but that is not the end!
Stephanie's life was not in vain.
Stephanie's death was not in vain.
My sorrow is not in vain.
My life, if I live it for the Lord, will not be in vain.
So as I grieve, I cling to hope and to the verse God gave me when Stephanie was hospitalized and put on a ventilator 3 weeks ago:
"My eyes are ever toward the Lord..." (Psalm 25:15a)
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