humbly horrified

This week has been a very, very trying week. This is my first (of four) weeks to be teaching completely on my own - all day long. All. Day. Long.
If you are not a teacher, you do not realize how big a task this is. It means that you have to be prepared to jump from one thing to the next (a minimum of ten or fifteen subjects and assignments), non-stop, all day long - all the while maintaining order in a classroom of 25 students, juggling lunch, classroom switching, PE, constant potty breaks, unwanted interruptions (like a group of administrators here for a meeting stepping in to observe you, unannounced - oh, while your teacher is gone for the day), broken pencils, hissy fits, tattling, homework, a non-functioning Promethean board (fixed in a few days, huh?), postponed lesson plans, lunch money, studying for my looming comprehensive exams, and manage to keep yourself together - all day long. 
That about sums up my day today. Throw in a few shed tears after the students left and it sounds perfect, right?
I admit, this week is the first time I have ever looked at my tear-streaked face in a mirror before and said, "Why in the world would you want to be a teacher?!"
The gravity of what I have signed up for hit me full force this week - do I really, I mean really, have what it takes to be a teacher? If I were to judge my preparedness to teach using this week, the answer would be a siren screaming, flashing red light, yelling at the top of my lungs NO!!!!

The Lord doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called.

I don't usually like quotes that simply reverse the order of words (personally, I think they're cheap and silly), but that was what was ringing in my head at the end of today.
I know I have a lot to learn, but do I really have what it takes to be the kind of teacher that makes a difference? How can I make a difference when I can't even teach decimals and rounding? Helping kids lives will be of no value if they flunk fourth grade. If God has plans for me to teach, which I strongly believe He does (or else I wouldn't be putting myself through this), He will have to do mighty things to help me feel qualified. The last thing that I want to do is to waste children's time and lives because of my in-adequateness.
So, if you find this and feel like praying, say a small prayer that God will (somehow) help me be the kind of teacher these kids need!

I dislike ending this post so negatively. So, on a positive note:
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:19-20

starting with me.

" God be merciful unto us, and bless us;
and cause his face to shine upon us; Selah.
That they way may be known upon the earth,
thy saving health among the nations.
Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the 
people praise thee.
O let the nations be glad and sing for joy; for
thou shalt judge the people righteously,
and govern the nations upon the earth. Selah.
Let the people praise thee, O God, let all the
people praise thee.
Then shall the earth yield her increase; and
God, even our own God, shall bless us.
God shall bless us; and all the ends of the earth
shall fear him."
Psalms 67

Bless the Lord, oh my soul....oh my soul.

These words echo in my head. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. We bless the Lord. That should be our response to everything in life.
Not everything is going perfectly in my life right now. There are days that are definitely easier than others. My heart is not always happy, no, joyful. Happiness is not what I search for. Joy is what my heart needs. Joy comes from the Lord, and continues when happiness has given up hope.
My heart has days that it dreads the loneliness it faces. And many days my heart forgets that it is not lonely at all. There is one who loves me more than life itself. He gave His life so that I could be returned from my separation from Him. That is true love. And it is always at my fingertips.
On days when, like yesterday, my heart sees only the negative in life, on days like that, I forget about Jesus. I end up weakening my heart and allowing it to be ripe for the attacks of the enemy. Recently, when dealing with this problem, my whole being felt weighted down by the enemy. Then, my mind is clouded with bitterness, dis-contentedness, and depression. Praise the Lord that He remains faithful even when I do not.
On this particular day, I ended up having lunch with some friends who spoke of the great spiritual bondage they are facing while serving as missionaries. As we talked, I felt the pressure and angst of my heart lifting. I had been under spiritual attack. Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness and the faithful brothers and sisters You brought to me in my time of need.
Following that very emotionally difficult and draining day came an equally difficult and draining day in the classroom. I was exhausted and my students in the afternoon ran all over me. I did not know what to correct first, since I didn't feel like I could fight any battles. The Lord saw me through and helped me keep my cool during the rest of class. I was able to take a short nap before eating dinner.
As I sat and read my Bible, I came across the verses above. It reminded me that even though the last few days were stressful and tiring, the Lord is still worthy of my praise. He will be made known in all the world and all will bless Him - starting with me. During my good days and my weak days - every days is the day the Lord has made.
"This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

always learning (just like my students)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord..."

I know He has been thinking of me. He is good.

• The Lord provided me with so much experience in the classroom. My mentor teacher and co-teachers have opened so many opportunities to me to teach. I don't always get it all right, but they let me try - experience that will be valuable to me some day.
• The Lord laid on the hearts of some church members at my parents' church to donate some money to me. What a blessing! He truly does open the floodgates when we trust in Him!
• My computer is my lifeline for graduate school. Without it, I can't complete work that is needed. I have been having trouble with my cord and have not been able to get power to my computer. I don't know exactly what the problem is, but it has caused major anxiety and frustration on my part (on several occasions). The Lord chose to let one of those occasions be yesterday and last night. Usually I try and try again and it will finally work. Sometimes I pray desperately, give it a minute, try one more time and it works. Yesterday, nothing worked. I was frustrated and went outside to talk to my dad on the phone (he is so encouraging and always willing to listen!). After a while, I figured I would go try one more time. I went inside, tried to plug the cord in, to no avail. No charge. I prayed, one last desperate prayer, plugged it in, and the light came on. Lord, forgive my doubt. Thank you for providing in my hour of need!!
• Today was my first day teaching the whole day. My teacher was gone for the afternoon, due to an appointment. I was in charge - completely. No pressure! I was nervous, but the Lord gave me a calmness and helped me get through the day without any major mishaps! I also managed to teach everything in time. Today marked the first time I have ever taught on 9/11. I wish I had gotten to teach for the first time NOT on 9/11. Because many of these students have no understanding of 9/11 (they were born after it!), we decided to watch a 20 minutes Nickelodeon News video about 9/11. It was very well done and insightful. After the students watched it, we had a little discussion (which was also good). It kept me on my toes. Because of this unexpected "interruption" (I'm glad we chose to watch the video - it was good for them to see), our schedule for the whole day was thrown off. On top of that, my homeroom had to go to the library this morning, which threw off our schedule even more. Thankfully, this gave me an opportunity to cope and be flexible. Thank you, Lord.
• Please continue to pray that the Lord will use me at the school and that I will learn so much.
• Please continue to pray for my health and that I would be protected from migraines (the Lord has granted me relief thus far).
• Please pray that I would be able to stay on top of my assignments, while still supporting my students and their learning.
• Please pray for me as I prepare for my comprehensive exams (the dreaded comps!) on October 5th.

I know this was longer than normal. I just wanted to tell you what I have seen the Lord doing in my life.
He never ceases to show himself to me, including the sunset I watched tonight as I talked to my dad on the phone. True beauty.

"...thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

Climb on...you are loved.

As I sit hear listening to "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus, so much of it soothes my weary being. It is a “you’ll make it” and a “pick yourself back up and shake it off” kind of song. Some of the lyrics really get me: "Every step I'm taking, every move I'm making feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaking, but I've got to keep trying, I've got to keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, Always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there...it's the climb." 

 There will always be things that come up in life that make it hard, but, as I said this to a friend this evening, that’s what makes life life. We can’t expect our life to be without mountains, troublesome days, or difficulty. Even if you hear that voice saying “you’ll never make it”, that voice has been overcome! Rejoice, dear one! The Lord has overcome! He has overcome sin, our sinful nature, and Satan. You will make it, and it is all about what is waiting on the other side – just keep pushing on!

The Lord knew what songs I needed to hear tonight. Josh Groban’s "You are loved" came on within a few minutes of “The Climb”. “Don’t give up,” it says…“because you are loved.” Indeed, precious child, you are greatly loved; loved so much that a sinless Savior left glory above to walk in a sinful, difficult world, to die for those who rebelled against Him. Is that actually what the song says? No. But that is how the Lord spoke to me through that song. Read John 3:16 

That, dear one, is the reason we should never give up – that is love.

On a less serious note, this cartoon always makes me laugh :) You're welcome.